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How many times every day do you hear someone say, “Pardon” of "Excuse me"? How many times do you hear yourself saying that? What does it mean? Let's look at an easy example. Walking down the sidewalk someone stumbles on something and accidentally bumps into you. They say, “excuse me.” and maybe you say, “ok” or “don't worry.” No-one is hurt, and you both continue on your way. But if that person had not said “excuse me” what would you think? Maybe you'd think that they were very rude, or even arrogant for not acknowledging the incident. It might feel as though they think you don't merit an apology. Or maybe you think that they are insensitive, and don't even realize that they bumped you.
But since they did say, “excuse me” you know that they realize that they bumped you. They know that their action inconvenienced you and might even have hurt you. They say that you are worthy of respect and that they hope that you are OK. And once you feel acknowledged, it's easy to say “it's OK” and think nothing of it.
I think that asking for forgiveness for something big has the same components. When someone asks for your forgivenessImplicit in all this is that the offender is suffering for having caused you to suffer. They see that your suffering is also their own.
And if you believe that they are truly sincere, it is much easier for you to let go of the anger and blame. That should be what someone asks for, when they ask for forgiveness. So I would say that there are two important components. First there is confession: a person's acknowledgement of their own hurtful action. Second there is their wish to repair the damage that they caused. Of course it's not always possible to repair the damage, but there must still be the sincere attempt to alleviate the suffering of the one they wronged.
But this can be very difficult. We are ashamed of what we have done. It is painful to judge or condemn ourselves, which is what we do. Many of the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous have to do with just this. The person admits to the wrongs they have committed and accepts the task of making amends for all of them. I am planning to learn more about the 12 steps, but it seems to me that they have a lot to do with seeking forgiveness without asking someone to forgive us. Asking someone to forgive you doesn't make you worthy of forgiveness. Admitting that you have hurt someone, committing yourself to changing your behaviour and honestly trying to make amends might. And I think that every person who has gone through "the steps" will testify to how difficult this was to do, but also how liberating and transformative it was to do.
In the 1970s there was a very popular Hollywood movie called “Love Story.” It was the story of a rich boy and a poor girl who fall in love. His family doesn't approve, but they marry anyway. A big screen telenovela. It was famous for 2 things. One was it's reputation for making people cry. Once they found out about it, people brought boxes of kleenex with them when they went to see it. The other thing was a line from the movie, “Love means never having to say you're sorry.” That line showed up on numerous posters, t-shirts and bumper stickers.
I found an internet site where people try to explain English phrases, and there seemed to be 3 different explanations for that one. One explanation is that if you really love someone, you will never do anything that could hurt them & therefore never need to say you're sorry. Another explanation is that when you love each other you already know how sorry your partner is if they have done something that hurts you. They don't need to say anything. What I call the third explanation is not really an explanation but an opinion. It just says that the phrase is ridiculous and that the opposite is true, that even when people love each other there will be times when they hurt each other. And that love means that you have to say you're sorry.
At the beginning of our Bodhisattva Precepts ceremony, we chant a verse of confession three times.
All my ancient twisted karma,
From beginningless greed, hate and delusion,
Born through body, speech and mind,
I now fully avow.
I think that this is a good practise, to acknowledge that each and every one of us has been the cause of suffering, and we need to be mindful of that as we chant. But if we just do that and feel it's enough, we are mistaken. It is difficult and disagreeable work to go right into the ugliness and shamefulness of what we have done and admit our error. But it has been my experience that that is what we need to do in order to cleanse ourselves and in order to offer some relief to the ones that we have wronged. We have to honestly admit to the specific wrong or unskillful action and we have to do our best to avoid doing it again.
Often we hear “apologies” where someone says, “If you feel bad because of something that I said, then I'm sorry.” I would call that a “no-apology.” The person is refusing to take responsibility for their own behaviour and acknowledge their harmful act. Even if we are convinced that we had no choice but to act in a way that hurt someone, we can still say, "I know that what I did hurt you and I'm truly sorry." And then we can honestly try to understand how we can avoid finding ourselves in a situation like that again.
The first Buddhist retreat that I went to after I was ordained as a zen priest was with a Chinese Ch'an teacher. In my interview with him I said, I have only been ordained for a few months. What advice do you have for me as a new priest? He told me, whenever you make a mistake, it's very important for you to confess it to another priest. If there are no other priests where you are, then you can offer incense and confess to the Buddha, but it's better if it's to another priest.
It wasn't what I expected to hear. Maybe I was thinking, “Being a priest means never having to say you're sorry.” But I have learned that this is not the case. Sometimes the hard part has been realizing or admitting that I have caused suffering. Then the hard part is being ready and willing to say so out loud to someone else. It's not good enough to admit your mistake only to yourself. Someone else needs to hear it. This is not easy. When it's something small, maybe you can go right to the person you hurt and speak your confession. But if it's something big, or something that you're not clear about, maybe still feeling defensive or looking to justify your action, it's a good idea to talk this through with someone you trust first. This is another part of the 12 steps, and I think it's a very wise one.
One of the books about forgiveness that I read recommends that people learning to forgive have a forgiveness partner, someone that they can talk with as they go through the process. I think this is also true for us when we are seeking forgiveness. Someone who is trusted and yet somewhat neutral can make a huge difference to us.
When someone whom we have hurt forgives us it means that they are able to let go of their resentment, anger and pain. Then we can feel some relief. But this will not be complete until we can forgive ourselves. That's what I'd like to talk about next week.
Thank you for your practise.
© 2007, Burai Rick Spencer