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In our past meetings we have talked about forgiveness in general: what it means, what it doesn't mean, and the questions: Are some things unforgivable? and Is forgiveness obligatory? This wasn't done trying to find a set of correct answers but rather to try to understand some of the dynamics of forgiveness. Forgiveness means different things to different people. I think it's important to acknowledgement that and to try to explain what practising forgiveness means to us in this group.
As we said in one of the first sessions:
If these conditions are not present, then there is nothing to forgive.
That seems clear, but it isn't always that clear. It's very common for us to stifle the resentment, to attempt to ignore the fact that we feel hurt. For many people this is a habit that they learn or are forced to learn in childhood. It can be a short term survival technique, but a lot of suffering is created when we try to maintain this short term technique in the long term.
And so it may be that there is suffering that only forgiveness can relieve, but that forgiveness cannot yet touch. If this is the case, we need to give ourselves more time to acknowledge the original pain and the resentment of it. Sometimes we may need to return to this step. It cannot be skipped or rushed. We may accept and acknowledge all the pain, anger and resentment that we feel, only to discover more of it or another aspect of it later on. Then we need to include this new awareness in our ongoing forgiveness process. And this can be very difficult to do.
We instinctively avoid pain. In an emergency this helps us to survive, but if we are to forgive, once the emergency has passed we need to acknowledge that we have been hurt, and that we harbour resentment against someone for hurting us. We need to fully acknowledge our blaming. “They shouldn't have... they were wrong... they were mean, evil, stupid”, etc... and that we are angry and resentful. It is absolutely essential that we acknowledge that we feel this way.
Sometimes this is seems hard to do and so we try to cover it over. This is especially true if we were hurt by a parent. We might have resentment that we feel incapable of admitting. It might seem too much to bear, or perhaps we feel guilty for having such feelings toward someone so close, someone who gave us life. It's often harder to forgive the people who are close to us. It's hard for us to acknowledge or to reconcile that they are close AND that we are angry and resentful for the way they hurt us. The hurt itself feels much worse, like a bigger betrayal, when it is someone that we cared for and trusted that hurt us.
But we have to admit having something before we can let go of it. It's never wrong to feel what we feel. We need to look at it without blaming or judging. We just need to say to ourselves, “Oh, there is resentment and anger there.” Only when we acknowledge the pain, resentment and blame that we feel, can we begin to see that it actually hurts rather than helps us. One man said, “I thought that my anger made me stronger, but actually it was eating me up.”
And so forgiveness begins with the intention to give up or let go of resentment, and continues as we actually let go. This is a continuous process and practise. It's like bathing or brushing our teeth, we do it over and over again, without thinking, “I'll only have to do this once and then it will be taken care of forever.”
As we have said several times, forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things. Forgiveness does not necessarily include reconciliation. Neither does it mean that we have to trust the one who hurt us not to do so again. First and foremost, it means that we want to leave that suffering behind us.
Someone once said, “Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.” Acknowledging this is an important part of forgiveness. From there we can move forward into letting go of the resentment we have been holding on to.
Sometimes we can do this by understanding how the person who hurt us was only acting out of their own confusion, anger and hurt – that they too are suffering. Sometimes by separating the hurtful action from the person who did the action, differentiating between the person and the action. Sometimes we need to acknowledge our own responsibility, how much we blame someone else for not meeting our expectations rather than accept that those expectations came from us. There are many ways the forgiveness might happen, and most of them probably include a combination of these plus many more.
As we enter into the process, we come to see the many parts of our lives that have been wounded and call for healing through forgiveness. We may begin with one difficulty and then come to see other wounds that have been waiting for our attention and calling for relief. Forgiveness is a process and a practise.
The question I'd like us to address today is, What part of this process is hardest for you? Can you think of any ways that can help you to do this?
Thank you for your practise.
© 2007, Burai Rick Spencer