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Today I'd like to begin talking about forgiveness. I've been saying for a long time that I wanted to do that. And I hope to do it in a way that's a little different from the kind of Sunday talks I have been giving. I want to have us all be involved in giving the talk. I hope that we can find a way to learn from each other, each of us asking and responding from their own experience. I know this is not a new concept, but it is something new to me. So I expect this to be a learning experience. How do we explore the dharma of our everyday lives together?
What can we say and do about the practise of forgiveness in this kind of a group. I'll start by confessing that I think forgiveness is a practise that is fundamentally important. It deals with issues that are right at the hearts of our lives. A group like this can help us learn about the meaning of forgiveness, but that's not the same as entering into the actual process of forgiveness and doing the difficult work that lies there. So let's try to be honest about that and not expect too much.
When I read and think about and listen to people talk about forgiveness one thing that strikes me is that there are a lot of different ways that people use this word. I think we need to start by talking about what forgiveness means to us. I want to start by giving everyone a chance to talk about this. What does forgiveness mean to you?
The etymology of the word "forgiveness" says that "for" is a prefix meaning "completely, thoroughly", and "give" is the same as the word "to give" meaning to donate. It is related to the word "gift." So the etymology is "to give fully, completely."
One question that interests me is who gives what and to whom? So that is the question for today.
There are many inspirational stories about forgiveness. I want to invite you all to bring forgiveness stories to our meetings. Starting next week let's start hearing some of them. They can be personal or not. I guess they can even be true or not, but they should in some way help inspire us or deepen our understanding of forgiveness.
What follows is a personal story. I tell it because it illustrates some of the discoveries that I have made concerning forgiveness. I don't think it is deep or profound or inspirational, but it is true. It may be a familiar story, and through that it might be more easy for us to see some of the components of forgiveness.
A few years ago I was crazy in love with a woman. Our relationship was very up and down, and that probably accounted for much of the "crazy" part. Then all of a sudden, she called it off. I say all of a sudden because that's how it felt to me at the time, but that was only because in my blindness I couldn't (wouldn't) see what was coming. Anyway, that's the set up.
I felt betrayed. I wanted desperately to reconcile while at the same time I was very angry with her. I was "right." She was "wrong." That's what I felt. Eventually, the hope of a reconciliation faded, but I still held on to the anger, the judgment and the sense of betrayal. One day I just realized that holding on to all of that was hurting me, but I still couldn't forgive her. I blamed her for the hurt that I was holding on to. How could I ever forgive her? I thought that forgiving her would be like saying that it was OK to leave me, that she was right and I was wrong. I couldn't bring myself to accept that. I felt that would be like betraying myself. Maybe I was more attached to the "me" who was dumped than I was to the "she" who dumped me.
That all led me to wondering what the word "forgiveness" really means. I considered that my forgiving her probably wouldn't make any difference at all to how she felt about me or the break up. The idea of me giving her something called forgiveness didn't seem to make any sense. It seemed kind of arrogant to me to think it was some thing that I could give her. I thought about it some more.
What could forgiveness be if it wasn't something that I could give to her? I wondered about why and how I felt hurt by her. What was the problem with her breaking up with me? I tried to see it as if this was something that had happened to two people that I knew instead of something personal.
What I came to understand was that I had some powerful expectations, desires, about how I thought our relationship should be or should have been. I felt angry and betrayed because she wasn't going to satisfy my expectations. If it weren't for those expectations, then what she did wouldn't have mattered to me so much. So my own expectations were really the cause of my suffering. I was at least as responsible as she was for the way I felt.
And I realized that my anger and resentment were hurting me. In a rush I came to feel that forgiveness was really about letting go of my anger and resentment and accepting responsibility for how I felt. It seemed to me that it actually had very little to do with the woman that I had been blaming for my pain.
So I asked myself if I was ready to forgive. When I asked myself that question, the answer came back, "No, I'm not." I knew that to be the truth and at the same time I felt that this answer needed to change. Next I asked myself, "Can I accept that one day I will forgive this?" I wasn't sure about the answer, but I thought further about it and asked another question. "Can I accept that I might feel differently about this some day? Would that be OK?" I reminded myself that I would only feel differently if I truly meant it. How could I say no? I wouldn't have to change my mind if I didn't want to. I said "yes" to myself and felt an almost immediate relief.
Over the next couple of days this relief only increased and I found my anger and resentment dissolving. It felt like just opening the door that way was all that I needed for the forgiveness process to take place. I'm glad to say that this woman and I are very good friends now, but even if we weren't that would still be OK.
I felt hurt although I know that my girlfriend never wanted to hurt me. I know that some people have been intentionally hurt and abused in ways that are almost unspeakable. I don't mean to say that my little story is just like the situation of someone who has been violated or who has lost a loved one through violence. I tell my little story because I think it can help to see some of the different aspects of forgiveness in a very simple context.
This still doesn't really tell us how to forgive, but I think it does lead us to the point where we see that forgiveness is called for. Next week I want to look more at defining forgiveness by exploring what it is and what it isn't.
A few months ago I heard a radio documentary about Lister Sinclair who was a major figure in Canadian public broadcasting. Apparently one of his favourite sayings was, "Anything worth doing is worth doing badly." The program said that what he meant by this was that we shouldn't turn away from taking on important projects just because we're afraid of not doing a "good job."
If it's important, it's better to make an honest attempt than to shrink back from trying through fear of failure. I say that, because it helps to give me the courage to take on this topic of forgiveness for our study group. I feel it's too important to ignore even though it's impossible to do it justice. I think this is what a bodhisattva does, so I'm willing to give it a try. As bodhisattvas in training, let's support each other in this and see where it leads.
Thank you for your practise.
© 2007, Burai Rick Spencer