Forgiveness

Beyond forgiveness

Good morning everyone. Maybe this will be the last session for a while in our study of forgiveness. Maybe you are feeling ready for something different. Many times I have said that there is so much more to say, and a few times I have said that I want to say some things that will seem to contradict other things that I have already said. I won't apologize for this, but I will ask you to be open to contradiction, not to reject one practise just because another practise seems to be different. The test for a practise is not whether or not it conforms with other teachings or our logical schemes. The test is whether it helps to open our hearts and benefit ourselves and others. Maybe we can think of different practises as complementary rather than conflicting.

What would it be like, if we never felt offended? What would it be like if we never felt resentment or blame? Would there even be such a thing as forgiveness? I have said before that first comes an experience of pain and later comes resentment, anger and blame. Forgiveness gives us a way to relieve the resentment anger and blame, but what if we could interrupt that process? What if the resentment never arose in the first place?

Let me tell you a story. It may be a true story, and I like to think that it is, but I'm not certain. It concerns the Argentinian, Roberto de Vicenzo who was a championship golfer in the 1960's.

He had won a tournament, and after receiving the check and smiling for the cameras, he went to the clubhouse and prepared to leave. Sometime later, he walked alone to his car i the parking lot and w3as approached by a young woman. She congratulated him on his victory and then told him that her child was seriously ill and near death.
De Vicenzo was touched by her story and took out a pen and endorsed his winning check for payment to th woman. “Make some good days for the baby,” he said as he pressed the check into her hand.
The next week he was having lunch in a country club when a PGA official came to his table. “Some of the guys in the parking lot last week told me that you met a young woman there after you won the tournament.” De Vicenzo nodded. “Well,” said the official, “I have news for you. She's a phony. She's not married. She has no sick baby. She fleeced you, my friend.”
“You mean there is no baby who is dying?” said de Vicenzo.
“That's right.”
“That's the best news I've heard all week,” said de Vicenzo.

He could have become angry, or have felt stupid for being gullible. Then he would have to carry that ill will around with him until he was able to forgive and let it go. But it seems that he just didn't make that choice and chose compassion instead.

Imagine that you are holding a baby in your arms. The baby reaches up and pulls your hair hard enough that it hurts. What is your response? I suspect that you would find a way to gently stop the baby from hurting you, but without judging the baby as bad or getting angry with them. You would understand that the baby is not trying to hurt you.

It's not so easy to have that same non-judging attitude when someone hurts you intentionally. It isn't the same. But if we can stop short of our habit of anger and resentment, we might be able to respond more skillfully to them. We might even come to realize that they act the way they do because they are being pushed around by greed anger and confusion. We might begin to feel some compassion for how they are suffering.

I really want to emphasize that this doesn't excuse hurtful behaviour. However it might help us to respond to hurtful behaviour more wisely, without bitterness anger or resentment.

Perhaps the best known verses from the Dhammapada are the ones that address this situation:

“He abused me, attacked me,
Defeated me, robbed me!”
For those carrying on like this,
Hatred does not end.

“She abused me, attacked me,
Defeated me, robbed me!”
For those not carrying on like this,
Hatred ends.

Hatred never ends through hatred.
By non-hate alone does it end.
This is an ancient truth.

So this is what I'd like us to talk about today in our pairs. How do we disconnect being hurt from reacting with judgement, anger, blame and resentment? Is this possible? Have you ever done it? What might help you to do it more often?

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Last October a very troubled man went into a school in the US. He was carrying 2 guns. He sent everyone away except for the young girl students. Then he tied them up and shot them before killing himself. In all, 5 girls between 7 and 13 were killed and 7 more were wounded. This was an unspeakably horrible act.

The girls were all members of the Amish community, a Christian religious group that keeps apart from what we might call the modern world. They are mostly farmers, but they do not use tractors or trucks. They don't drive cars or even have electricity in their homes. And they are deeply religious. They try to follow the teachings of Jesus as closely as they can.

The killer was not a member of the Amish community, but before the day was over a number of them, including family members of the dead girls, had already gone to visit the wife of the murderer to offer their condolences and to say that they did not blame her for what he had done. In fact they started a collection to help his widow. Several days later when the killer was buried, half the people who came to his funeral were Amish.

There is no doubt that they felt enormous pain for the loss of their daughters. But they did not make their pain even worse by filling themselves with hate. And they went beyond that, they knew that the murderer's widow would suffer for what her husband had done, and so they went to her in compassion to try to ease some of that suffering. This is forgiveness on a whole other level. It's almost beyond belief.

I worry a little that telling this story might make us feel like failures since we probably would not be able to behave as they did. But I want to tell the story because I want us all to remember that such a thing truly happened in this world that we live in. The Amish would certainly not want to be called followers of the Buddha's teaching. But they did act in accord with what he taught:

The verse that follows these is not as well known:

Many do not realize that
We here must die.
For those who realize this,
Quarrels end.

That each of us will die is certain. When that time will come is uncertain. Given these truths, What is the most important thing?

Thank you for your practise.

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Forgiveness

Beyond forgiveness